I look better un-naked...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
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