I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
