I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
