I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
