Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
