why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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