I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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