Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
