if you like me you must not know who I am
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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