Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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