Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize