Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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