and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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