someone threw a dead crab at me
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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