She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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