you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
