the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
