Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
