I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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