Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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