No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
