my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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