I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
