FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize