Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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