if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
