Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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