Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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