I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
