If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
