If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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