During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize