In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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