One girl and one boy is just not enough.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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