if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
