Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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