I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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