1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
