oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
