if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
