You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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