Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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