Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
