just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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