You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
