I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
