the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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