You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
