You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Sober January is a disaster.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
