I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
