If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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