If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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