im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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