The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
