I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
