you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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