turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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