I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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