Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
it's great music for shaving your balls
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
