I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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