i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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