I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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